Thursday, June 8, 2017

Feeling my way.

 

If the path before you is clear, you are probably on someone else's.

                                                                                                                        (J. Campbell)


So - where to start - what to say? I really don't know what I want to do with the blog this time around. Everything has changed and yet it all seems much the same. What made me log on, last week, type a few words and hit the publish button? Not a clue - and yet, here I am, sitting in front of this screen again. I guess I will just have to keep going and see where I end up. It might be a bit of a disjointed mish-mash (very like that metaphor), but I'm really just feeling my way right now, so thank you for bearing with me.

It's over two years since John died. I miss him.

James and I are still here, with no plans to move anywhere else. We are ok. We have been living in a kind of bubble really - just getting through the days as best we can. We now have a puppy, a rescue barn cat, and we are renovating the house. I had a lot of work done on the garden last year. We have been to Canada and Norway. I have a new grandson. My elder son and his fiancee are getting married in less than a year. I have so much to be thankful for  - so much to look forward to.

My first year as a widow was hard - but in a way, I was protected by the numbness that accompanied the grief. We faced all those first times, and were relieved to 'get them out of the way'. I felt the loss of his presence every single day, so I was surprised at how difficult it was when we faced the first big anniversary - a whole year without him. I thought it was just another day, like all the other 364, but it was different. Almost as if my body knew something had happened on that day and needed me to properly acknowledge it.

This year was equally hard, in a different way. It is harsher, somehow - more real. I've had more days when I have felt utterly alone. I think probably because I have been moving on with day to day life, dealing with the problems and decisions that come with that. I am more confined to home too, as I need to be around for James. Most of the time, I am fine - I've always liked my own company, and I'm not lonely. There is a difference.

Coming up to the two year anniversary was sad. It seemed as if I remembered the events of John's last few weeks with such clarity, almost reliving them, moment by moment in my mind. I recalled things I hadn't thought about before in amazing detail. The difference this time was that I knew what the ending was going to be...

So, that's in in a nutshell really, those last couple of years.  I'll keep drifting on for now, although I do feel stronger, and a bit more purposeful lately. I know I glossed over a few happenings there - new babies, puppies and kittens - I'll get back to those in a future post, once I get back into my stride. Meanwhile, thank you all so much for such a lovely welcome. It felt good to be back.

17 comments:

  1. I am SO GLAD you're back! I missed your posts terribly. Know that you are loved.

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  2. I'm looking forward to seeing your beautiful photos of life as it is now.

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    1. Thanks Missy - bit different and a bit the same, I guess - we'll see xxx

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  3. I'm so glad you're okay. I've missed your blog and I'm happy you're back, no matter how much or little you post. Hugs to you and James.
    Diane in Colorado

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    1. Thank you so much Diane- hugs back from us xx

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  4. I cannot tell you how much I love the fact that you are back. Remember to tell us all about your travels (particularly in Canada, of course LOL) Give James a hug for us (he's probably doubled in size) and we will see you again soon.

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    1. He is huge, Carolyn- and he measures his height against mine regularly. Just posted our Canadian travels now xx

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  5. I'd just like to chime in with my voice (now there's a mishmashaphor for you!) and say how glad I am you've decided to return. Never underestimate the power of making a difference, however small, to other people's lives. It's often spoken about, usually in a negative or destructive context, how the smallest stone can start an avalanche; this is also true of positive emotions however. So thank you for coming back, you've made me happier.

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    1. Campbell- what a lovely comment - thank you. Your words here have definitely touched me. Xxx

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  6. You blog, your rules 😁 Looking forward to popping over here again x

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    1. Thank you Sara - lovely to see you xx

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  7. I am also very happy to hear from you in this space again. One foot in front of the other is sometimes the only way forward, painful as it may be. You aren't alone- we'll gladly walk with you as long as you'll have us on your journey. You are loved from afar, by strangers who've been moved by your words and photos here. I understand the bitterness lingering, and I do believe that sharing whatever you choose to share here is what is right for you. It is a tough road you have been traveling, and as always, I wish you many days filled with comfort and peace.

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  8. Please know you are most loved and need not feel alone on your journey. It is a difficult, painful parh you have been walking, but we are here with you (in spirit) as long as you will have us. You write what feels right to you, don't worry about us. One foot in front of the other is sometimes the only way forward, and that has helped me through many, many hardships. As always, I pray you and James have all the peace and comfort you need and send much love your way- Sukayna (sorry if there are multiple comments, they were not going through)

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    1. Hello dear Sukayna - I've been away from blogger so long I forgot about comment moderation after so many days. I loved your words and I appreciate your kindness and prayers. Love always xxx

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  9. So glad you're back. I check up on you on instagram but it's not the same

    Annie

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    1. Hello Annie - I do love Instagram but it's nice to go deeper sometimes- I've missed that. Lovely to see you here xxx

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