I am endlessly fascinated by tidelines. I walk up and down the shore for hours following the shapes left by the ebb and flow - the unique tracing of each wave.
I wander slowly, examining the patterns and colours left by earlier tides, absorbed in the tangle of seaweed, shells and tiny fragments that have been left behind by the ocean.
A bit like life, I suppose. We drift in, make our own individual tide mark, then return to the deep. But we leave traces... and treasures. No two tides are the same.
There's a magic about the shoreline- that liminal space - not quite land, not quite water. It's a cleansing place - the rhythm of the waves - the silence in between - it washes out the relentless chattering of the world. Breathe deeply, return to centre.
It has only been six weeks, since John drifted out on his tide. Six weeks! So recent- so new, and yet it feels so long ago...
My head is full - thoughts racing all day - things to do, plans, fretting over jobs not getting done, thinking ahead, firefighting ... But my body feels numb and lethargic so nothing much is achieved. I know, I know, it's all still so raw, so recent - that word again...The other day I tried a relaxing meditation and I could not feel my heart beating, though I searched for it. But I know it still does, for I am alive - and well, (most of the time). I am getting through the days. Grief comes like waves. Here I am, ambling along the edge, dipping my toes in, when a sudden surge catches me out, and I am drenched by it. That's ok, though, because I can feel it - it knocks me out of the detached torpor that I can so easily slip into.
But for the moment, I am not ready to plunge into that deep pool of grief. Yes, the odd splash may catch me out, but not yet...
I have a few things planned for the summer, and intend to immerse myself in those - my children and grandchildren, mainly. Hopefully some summer sun, and a bit of art and culture maybe?
I am taking a bit of a blogging break too. Not fully - I will send postcards, but no words. Remember I did that before? I will disable the comments, to give you a wee break too :) Oh, I cannot tell you how much your kindness and love has meant to me - how much it is has really helped and sustained me - not only in the last six weeks, but over the last year,since this journey began. I go back and read them often, and they never fail to lift me up - thank you.
And so I am off for a few weeks, searching the tideline for more treasures... who knows what I might find? I wish you all the most wonderful of seasons wherever you may be. xxx